


From Good To Gone

by IvoryThinker



Category: Fate/Zero
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-07-04
Packaged: 2018-04-07 14:59:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4267659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvoryThinker/pseuds/IvoryThinker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nine years is a long time to stay with someone, but it's not nearly long enough for Emiya Kiritsugu and his family. This is an account of those precious nine years - the good, the bad and everything in between. It covers several events in the family's daily life beginning with Kiritsugu's being hired by Jubstacheit von Einzbern, the head of the Einzbern Family, and ending with an epitaph somewhere in Fuyuki City.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Technicality

**Author's Note:**

> I own none of these characters, although I love them to eternity. It's also up on Fanfiction.net under the same title, if any of you are there as well. I also use the same handle. Once in a while, I'd leave references to my inspiration for lullabies and dresses and stuff like that. Feel free to check them out. Also, please leave comments! :) I'm trying to stay as close to cannon as possible and would love to hear from you guys.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiritsugu meets his employer for the first time and is introduced to Irisviel. Skip to a few months to when the wedding takes place. Have you ever been to an Einzbern wedding? Well, it's frigid - like the terrain outside the castle. And think of it less like a wedding and more like a signing of contracts. But, to people who are profoundly in love it's more than enough.

**Prologue: Techinicality**

"This offer of employment sounds too good to be true, Lord Einzbern."

"Please, call me Acht."

"Acht, then. I've heard about the Grail War and from what I've gathered it sounds brutal and complicated."

"I imagine you don't have a problem with brutal. And complicated seems to be your area of expertise. Your... resume suggests this to be so, unless of course, I am gravely mistaken."

"You're not. I don't care for scruples and honor in my work. To me, killing is killing and war is war. But I run into problems once my employers realize how I accomplish their ends. I didn't acquire my reputation because the Mage Association and the Church approve of my methods. I need to know you wouldn't have the same problems."

"I sense a kindred spirit in you, Emiya Kiritsugu. Like you, I'm after the end, not the means. Do you imagine I didn't have my people look into you before I decided to hire you? It's precisely because of what you do that I bothered to make the contact at all."

"So, you don't plan on interfering with my strategy?"

"None whatsoever. My part ends where yours begin."

"Very well. The terms of the contract, my lord?"

"Like I said, I will not interfere with your plans, but I do demand to be informed of them. The family's resources are at your full disposal. Use them as you will. The summoning relic... is on its way. I have begun the excavations in Cornwall for the scabbard of King Arthur's sword, the Excalibur. It might take several years, but I believe we have finally found the real one. If we're successful, you will be able to summon the most powerful Saber-class servant imaginable. That should be of great help.

In return, you will fight the battle in the name of the Einzbern family. You will be our employee for a span of ten years no less. Your activities will be confined to planning, strategizing and training for the Grail War and protecting the Grail Vessel. You will live here in Castle Einzbern in a separate wing where no one will disturb you and will not take any other contract or complete any other job except those which I ask you.

Once you have obtained the Grail, you are allowed one wish. That wish is entirely your discretion, a little gift for services rendered. But you must bring the Grail back here to Castle Einzbern at once.

In addition to this, you will be properly compensated at any price you name... Until you deem it unnecessary."

"Compensation is always necessary."

"I agree... But I hardly think it is proper for a son to ask his father for a salary. Although, I understand this has been done before."

"I do not follow."

"You mentioned earlier that the contract sounds too good to be true. It was. I haven't mentioned that this contract entails your marriage into the family."

"Marriage? That's a little too dramatic, don't you think?"

"Think of it what you will, Master Emiya. But to us, only an Einzbern can bring the family honor. Unless you marry into the family, we cannot consider your achievement ours."

"Uh..."

"Come now, you don't actually think so high of marriage that you will forgo this chance at saving the world, do you? Why, that would be practically amusing."

"But, you have no children."

"Children are easy to come by for Einzberns. We have been coining our own for ages. As a matter of fact, I do have one of these 'children' as you might call it. The Grail Vessel... She is an Einzbern creation, a child of mine. I even gave her a name."

"The Vessel is human?"

"No, not human. A homunculus. A pure-blooded Einzbern. I gave her our ancestor - Justeaze von Einzbern's body and an instinct to protect herself. She is the first of her kind... The first conscious and autonomous Grail Vessel. A great masterpiece. And it is she to whom you will be wed."

"You are asking me to chain myself to a machine?"

"Consider it a temporary incarceration. Since she is the Grail Vessel, she only has nine years to live."

"Nine years to live.. Acht, you must forgive me. I made a mistake. It's not a machine you're asking me to wed, after all. It's a woman designed to die after your purpose has been fulfilled... A mere tool! How is that any improvement?"

"Calm yourself, Master Emiya. I didn't ask you to treat her like a human being much less a wife. Do what you will with her just as long as it does not endanger the Grail. I'm not expecting you to be a real couple. This is all just... technicality."

Lord Einzbern - Lord Father Acht or Old Man Acht as he was more commonly known - led Kiritsugu down a series of confusing hallways into the very heart of the Einzbern workshop. Any mage with even the minutest interest in the Art of Alchemy would have been beyond himself with joy just to walk these hallowed, ostentatious halls, but Kiritsugu was not of their number.

He knew of the skill of the Einzbern mages. It was no great secret that they have mastered Alchemy to the point of being able to create their own family members. But, their magic was as useless in combat as a toothpick was in moving a boulder . Therefore, he could only admire it, but not value it.

Old Man Acht walked on, saying nothing and showing nothing that would indicate his age. In him was a disturbing kind of cold tenacity absent in any of the other Einzbern elders. He wondered if all Einzberns were this way... if Acht would have created a homunculus with the same kind of determination, intelligence and impartiality. That would be of great use to him in the Grail War. It would not matter if it could think on its own.

Would it?

And yet... and yet, and yet, and yet...

It was disturbing that the Einzbern Family Head would be so willing to sacrifice one of his own creations - the best one so far - for the sake of the Grail War. If Acht was to be taken at his word, this Grail Vessel would be the perfect Einzbern. It would be more powerful than any of them.

It would also be conscious. Able to think. Able to feel. Able to decide.

A 'machine' as intricate as that would no longer be a tool. It would be human.

How does Acht expect him bear the sacrifice off this "thing", knowing that he will be depriving an autonomous being the choice to live its own life?, into its death? Did he not crave that same liberty for himself?

For years, he led a life that was not his choosing. He was a victim of his own ideals. Even if he tried, he would not be able to truly escape them. But this creature, was no such thing. Though given a purpose, it had the ability to choose not to fulfill it. Could he deprive it of this freedom the way fate deprived him his?

He became so engrossed in these painful ruminations he almost walked into the Old Man. Acht had stopped in front of a large door wrought in some unfamiliar enhanced steel. Immediately, Kiritsugu sensed his magic circuits being curbed, not enough to nullify it, but enough to make it somewhat harmless.

"Beyond these fortified doors," Acht explained, his words dramatically echoing through the hall. "All magic would be contained, unable to wreck havoc to on-going experiments. You might feel a bit differently once you step inside."

Kiritsugu smirked.

"If you could create substance such as this, why could you not create an armor or a weapon that would do the same thing? If you do so, you might not actually need me."

"This same metal emits energy proportionate to the amount of it used, Master Emiya. Small quantities can only emit a small amount of interference... so small it is negligible. I believe we have exhausted its potential."

Acht turned back to the doors and opened them with a series of complicated hand gestures and incantations. Then, he addressed Kiritsugu once more.

"I will remind you not to touch anything. All experiments in this laboratory must not be tainted by the hands of any other mage but those of the Family, otherwise they will have to be discarded."

Kiritsugu knew what the old man meant: Paws off the merchandize, you dirty mongrel.

He snorted, feeling just a bit offended. It should not bother him what this man thought, but it did. Acht valued pure bloodlines over actual usefulness. If he valued it less, maybe they would have stood a chance in battle long ago.

He was led past tables of suspicious vials and bubbling potions. Precious metals only half converted to Einzbern gold. Unnatural beasts still in their early gestational stages suspended in amniotic fluid. The workshop was clearly an active site. Yet, no other member of the family was present. No doubt they wanted to keep their craft a secret.

No outsider was permitted to see an Einzbern Mage work.

They came to another bolted door at the end of the room. And again, Acht performed a series of hand gestures and incantations possibly even more complicated than the last one. When the doors swung silently forward, Acht motioned for Kiritsugu to go before him.

Kiritsugu did so, taking in the sordid content of Old Man Acht's workshop.

In larger tanks filled with even more amniotic fluid were suspended bodies, eerily possessing the same fair porcelain skin and silver hair.

Homunculi. Future generations of the Einzbern family.

Their eyes were closed and their bodies were curled into fetal position. They were all full grown. Some male, some female. And under their skins glowed faint magical runes that were still unfinished. All the members of Acht's family, with the exception of Acht and only some of the Elders, started out like this. These homunculi are immortal, more artificial intelligence than human. They will not need the life extenders Acht does.

Kiritsugu's eyes traveled from the golden tanks to the center of the room where a large open tub sat. He could hear soft bubbling from it, like a fish tank with its own respirator. He stepped tentatively toward it, knowing that it contained the homunculus Grail Vessel Acht spoke about in length and fearing what he would see.

"Well, go on," the Old Man intoned behind him. "It is still sedated. It should not be so dangerous."

Kiritsugu took another step forward, and another, and another until he stood right beside the tub. He peered over the rim.

He felt gutted.

The Grail Vessel was beautiful. SHE was INHUMANLY beautiful. She had a small, gentle face punctuated by sharp, high cheekbones and sensual thin lips. Her lashes were long and silver like her hair. Her skin was perfection, her body slender, but with a fullness that made it alluring and effortlessly seductive. And her legs... those legs of marble white went on for days.

Surely... surely this cannot be created by man. Men could not create gods.

"What was the sense in making her this beautiful if you were only going to kill her?" he asked mostly to himself. He was unable to avert his eyes from her stunning face. What would it be like to see those features curl up into a smile? What would her laughter sound like?

Then, as if responding to the sound of his voice, the goddess in the tub opened her eyes and met his gaze.

Kiritsugu felt, for the first time, what it meant for the world to disappeare altogether. Under the power of those deep crimson eyes, he became completely enthralled. In them, he saw the universe, the wisdom of Old Magic and the innocence of a child. He struggled to see her only as a tool, but it was too late. He had seen the life in her. His heart had been won from him even if he did not know it yet.

He could not speak, so he kept his face astute, betraying nothing.

The silver woman rose from her amniotic sustenance and immediately, there were attendants present to cover her perfect body. She kept her gaze straight towards him and Acht... like she saw nothing. But he had seen something akin to a fire in those depths. And a part of him wanted to stoke it, to make this woman fight for herself, to make those hypnotic eyes burn with passion.

If you agree to become her husband...

Acht ordered the servants to clothe her and bring her to the receiving chamber. He stepped in front of Kiritsugu, blocking the view.

"Are we still in agreement, Master Emiya?" he asked, his voice dripping with boastful victory.

"I don't see any reason you should have given her that form," Kiritsugu answered coolly. "It's hardly useful."

"If you are referring to the homunculus' beauty, I can assure you that it was not my particular design. I merely borrowed the body of Justeaze Lizrich Von Einzbern, our ancestor and one of only two mages to ever hold the title 'archmagus'. It is to her that the homunculus owes her extraordinary beauty and of course, power."

He nodded, pretending to understand, when in fact, he did not.

She was too human, too real, too easily desirable. Her form and power might be coincidence, but her presence did not seem that way. He felt so lost, the way a patient waking from an accident would. He had been completely blindsided.

Why did he assume Acht's contract would be simple enough to complete? It had been so easy to agree to the terms when they were only exchanging words. But now that he'd seen her, he was beginning to realize how difficult this arrangement was going to be.

Images of the people he saved flashed across his mind, reminding him how disastrous everything turned out to be when he started to care. His heart burst at any of their smallest joys. And when they cried, he wept with them.

This woman was to be his wife for the next nine years. Could he keep his heart from her, the way he tried to keep his heart from everybody else? If he loved her, it would destroy him... because in the end, she would be the one thing in the world he cannot save.

Kiritsugu's heart pummeled brutally against his chest. It was not too late to turn back now. He could find another way to save the world. A way that would not entail this kind of cruel sacrifice.

The room began to spin, but he forced his mind to stay focused.

One chance. A miracle. To end all the suffering in the world. Is this not your goal? Is this not why you're here? Is this not worth any price?

For a few moments, he kept his eyes shut, mentally separating himself from the travesty that his hands will once more commit. No matter the injustice to this Woman, it would be worth it for the sake of the many. Her oblation will be the world's salvation... and his demise. Finally, he decided. He looked at Acht with dead coldness in his eyes not far from the crystal icicles that formed outside the caslte.

"When are we to marry?"

"As soon as possible, Master Emiya," Acht said with a nod. "But I will extend to you the courtesy of naming the day."

"Good. We marry in three months."

"Three months? Must you wait so long?"

Kiritsugu shrugged.

"I will be a prisoner in this Castle with only that machine as company. I would have her capable of everyday conversation first before becoming her husband."

The Old Man stroked his goatee, considering his proposition. Then, he gave a chilling smile that exposed his perfect, even, white teeth. Kiritsugu was reminded of a snarling wolf.

"Your cold detachment is admirable, Emiya Kiritsugu. I hope it remains that way."

"And why shouldn't it?" Kiritsugu threw back in complete monotone. "Isn't this just - how did you put it? - simply technicality?"

Technicality.

The word echoed repeatedly inside Kiritsugu's head like a blacksmith's hammer hitting metal. It was such a cruel word to ascribe to a wedding, crueler still to ascribe it what he and Iri had.

So much changed within the three months he asked for. She learned so quickly, absorbed what he taught faster than a sponge. He could barely keep up. Some nights, they didn't sleep because Iri kept asking and asking and asking questions like "Where was Japan?" or "What was a car?" or "What happened in the Second World War?" or "Who was Michael Bolton?" or "Did nations choose their leaders based on the length of their facial hair?"

He had enjoyed teaching her so much, he sometimes forgot she was marked for the grave. He allowed himself to become infected with her eagerness and enthusiasm. Then, at some point, they reversed roles. From being the teacher, Kiritsugu became the pupil and he learned just how little he knew of being human.

He was so wrong about life, so wrong in believing it was anger, revenge and justice that kept people fighting. Iri taught him something much simpler. She taught him about love.

The only reason we truly valued anything was because we loved. The reason we got angry or sought revenge and justice was because we loved. The reason we kept bettering ourselves and discovering new things was because we loved. Love was so much more than an emotion that made men weak.

It was the only way people could bear the cruelty and coldness of life.

It was only when his eyes were opened this way that he saw her for what she had become: his entire world. At first, he would not believe it. How was it even possible to have your heart stolen by a woman you barely knew? How could anyone bear to have their entire happiness dependent on only one person?

But, every breath she took was life to him. Every word she uttered was his existence. When she laughed, his soul sang. When she cried, his heart broke into a million pieces. And when they kissed...

When they kissed, there was nothing in the world but him and her. Absolute perfection. Absolute bliss. He could stay in her arms forever and never regret it.

He had realized too late that he had fallen for her hard like a fool. Now, he clung to her as desperately as a drowning man would a wooden plank.

And today?

Today, he will swear himself to her... to be her friend. Her lover. The father of her child. Her husband.

Husband.

A sinful man bound to her body and soul. The title had never felt so heavy until now.

Today, he will become husband to the woman he loved.

The woman he doomed.

It was a farce and they all knew it. But just the same, as he swears to her today so will he do right by her even if it was just for a few years. He will bind himself to this beloved, beautiful woman and give her all the happiness in the world, even if it killed him to try.

Everything will be alright, my love, she said to him one night as he lamented their fate. Everything will be alright.

Right at this moment, he wanted nothing more than to believe her.

Please, he begged. Please, give us this small happiness. Just this once.

The doors opened to let in a silent procession of silver and white people.

His chest constricted.

Please. Just this once, let everything be right in the world.

First were the lesser Einzberns, Apprentices of the Family wearing simple white gowns with no elaborate embroidery. They skulked and worked furiously in the laboratories, trying to perfect that which only years of experience would allow them to perfect. But they were less jaded than their elders and for that, Kiritsugu liked them more.

Then, came the Masters heavily clad in chain links of the famous Einzbern Gold. These men and women spoke very little and were often seen in various ritual chambers, enhancing the products they already made. They wore the burns on their hands as a symbol of their excellence. Too often, they took it as license to be arrogant and condescending. Kiritsugu didn't trust them as far as he could shoot them.

A few paces behind were the Family Elders, the last generation of Einzberns that were brought into this world through natural birth. They wore pristine white robes embroidered heavily with gold, with different colored gems adorning their long, slender fingers. Each gem represented a different area of expertise: emerald for plants, obsidian for metals and amber for minerals. Being a privileged employee of the family, Kiritsugu interacted with them directly. Some - a very select few - were likable. Most of them he just wanted to kill.

Last in this procession was Acht and Irisviel.

Acht wore the same white robes the Elders did, but around his shoulders was a heavy white cloak that fastened around his neck with a diamond link and trailed all the way down to his feet. Only the Family Head had the privilege to wear this, just like the clear-cut diamond ring crested by rubies that adorned his finger. These symbolized his mastery of the Alchemical Arts - including the production of perfect homunculi - and his premium over all other members of the family. Everyone bowed down to his will.

Yet, even this icy majesty seemed mild compared to the bride.

Irisviel wore no veil, nor carried any flower. And instead of donning the elegant, flowing white gown women usually favored on their wedding day, she wore what looked like an impractical, but incredibly artistic body armor.

Over her gown of soft snow white fabric was a metal mesh made of intricately formed Einzbern gold that snaked up her neck but left her shoulders bare. Her skirt was peppered with small eight-pointed stars that clustered closer together as they dropped down her flowing hemline, making her look like she waded in a pool of gold.

It was clear she did not choose her clothes herself.

Yet despite the dazzling and imposing raiment, there was something about her that made her distinctly Irisviel.

Perhaps it was the kindness in her eyes, or the unassuming grace that accompanied her every step, but mostly it was that small secret smile that would be lost to everyone in the room except the man who loved her.

Kiritsugu knew that smile very well. It was the one that always made his heart leap with the knowledge that this incredible, kind and ravishing woman returned his love, the one that chased away all his nightmares with its light.

His eyes caught hers and held. Seeing her so clearly like this, all worry, heartache and anger fled from him: this was their wedding day. This was the day they truly become one.

Acht took his place on the platform. Then, Irisviel took hers beside Kiritsugu. And, together, they knelt in front of their lord and father.

"My children, we have convened here today to witness the voluntary union of these two people: Emiya Kiritsugu, sole heir of the Mage Family Emiya and Irisviel Von Einzbern, daughter of the High-Mage Family Einzbern. As scions of their Great Houses, they are subject to the laws of the Association and the Church. And by these laws, any objection to their union shall deem this ceremony null and void. Are there any in this room who know of any impediment?"

Silence in the Ritual Chambers.

"Very well. Emiya Kiritsugu and Irisviel Von Einzbern, you have come here of your own freewill to make your hearts and souls one. Do you understand the responsibilities and consequences of this decision?"

In unison, they answered, "Yes, Father, we do."

"Then, rise, children and give testament to your desire."

As they did so, one of the ladies-in-waiting took one of their hands and bound them in a thin, gold chain of alchemical creation. It was pure Einzbern magic. It would work better than any piece of paper in enacting a contract, binding the souls instead of just the magic circuits unlike the traditional Oath Chain magi used. With the Chain in place, Acht proceeded.

"Do you, Emiya Ki-"

He stopped abruptly, raising an eyebrow at Kiritsugu's raised hand.

"Yes, child?"

"If I may, Lord Father, I ask that you let me say my own vows."

"You have them adequately prepared, Master Emiya?" Acht asked with more ice than the outside of his Castle. His words were that of polite inquiry, but his tone warned him not to try to wriggle his way out of their agreement.

"Yes," Kiritsugu answered circumspectly, assuring Acht that he had no such intention. Acht nodded.

"Proceed."

Using his free hand, he cupped Irisviel's cheek. Then, looking earnestly in her eyes so she could never doubt his vow or his love, he spoke the words of the traditional Japanese marriage oath:

"Watakushi wa kono josei to kekkonshi. Fufu to narou to shite imasu. Watakushi wa kenkouna tokimo. Soudenai tokimo. Kono hito o aishi. Kono hito o uyamai. Kono hito o nagusame. Kono hito o tasuke. Watakushi no inochi no kagiri. Kataku sessou o mamoru. Koto o chikai masu."

(This woman, I marry. No matter her health, I will love this person, respect this person, console this person, help this person until death, protecting fidelity. This, I swear.)

At the last word, Kiritsugu pressed his lips on her brow and immediately the gold chain glowed, beginning the binding process of the oath.

The light pervaded Kiritsugu's being until nothing else existed. He felt it take his soul from within him and merge it with something... something not quite human, something that did not quite feel like another soul. In unions between two human magi, this binding would have been stronger, more permanent and more sacred. That was why marriages between mage families were chosen with extreme care.

It was different when a man binds himself to a homunculus. Despite a homunculus's outward appearance and bodily capabilities, no depth of love, devotion or greatness of power could change the fact that it had no soul to be bound. It remains a machine. Kiritsugu had never been more aware of their disparity than right then, but it didn't matter. There was no point in making arbitrary distinctions when his heart was no longer his. Human or machine, he loved Irisviel.

The sensation held for several moments, allowing Kiritsugu to feel all the warmth and the truth of his troth and then, the glow ebbed and he was back in the Chapel once more. Acht looked at him curiously, but made no comment, merely proceeding with the ceremony.

"Emiya Kiritsugu, you have made your vow. May the Lord God, Protector and Redeemer of Souls, aid you in fulfilling your oath."

He turned to Irisviel. In a rare show of paternal knowledge, he did not venture to ask her of her vows. Instead, he gave her a deep, almost respectful nod as if to secretly give her his blessing.

"Ich, Irisviel von Einzbern," she began in a voice so clear and strong, none in the room could doubt her sincerity. "nehmen Sie, Emiya Kiritsugu, mein Freund, mein Geliebter, der Vater von meinem Kind und meinem Mann. Ich will dein sein in der Zeit und in der Zeit der wollen, in Zeiten der Krankheit, und in Zeiten von Gesundheit, in Zeiten der Freude und in Zeiten der Trauer, in Zeiten des Falls und in Zeiten von Triumph. Ich verspreche Ihnen, schätzen und respektieren Sie, bis hin zur Pflege und Schutz, um den Komfort und ermutige euch, und bei ihnen bleiben, für alle Ewigkeit."

(I, Irisviel Von Einzbern, take you, Emiya Kiritsugu, to be my friend, my lover, the father of my child and my husband. I will be yours in times of plenty and in times of want, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow, in times of failure and in times of triumph. I promise to cherish and respect you, to care and protect you, to comfort and encourage you, and stay with you, for all eternity.)

Upon her last word, she kissed his forehead the same way he did just moments ago. It began with her the same way it did with him. But, the sensation was quickly gone and the Oath Chain glowed even brighter, sending fire coursing through both their bodies. There was nothing gentle nor sentimental in this magical union. Each strand of the Emiya Magic Crest carved in Kiritsugu's being scorched with a white heat as it linked itself with the Einzbern Magic Circuits in Irisviel. He looked at her beyond the blinding glow of the chain, her eyes tightly shut and her teeth clenched against the pain. He could feel her nails bite into his palms like talons and he held onto her, assuring her that everything was going to be alright.

Then, after what seemed to be ages, the pain subsided. Irisviel's grip slackened and they were aware of the thirty pairs of eyes watching them indifferently once more.

"Irisviel Von Einzbern," Acht continued as if nothing happened. "You have pledged your troth. May the Lord God, Protector and Redeemer of Souls, aid you in fulfilling your oath. And now, as you are bound in soul, so you must be bound in body. Master Adalhard bring forth the chalice and Lady Ortraud, the dagger."

A tall Einzbern Master came forward to unbind their hands while an Elder set a chalice of rubies and gold before Acht. To the couple, she presented a similarly decorated dagger.

"As you are bound in soul, so must you be bound in body. To complete this most sacred and unbreakable sacrifice, take this dagger and make an offering in blood."

Kiritsugu took the dagger from the Elder and made a cut on his palm as he spoke the words.

"Only to you, Irisviel von Einzbern, do I offer my heart. You, alone, my body shall serve. This, I swear both now and until the day I leave this earth."

Three drops of blood fell from his open wound to the golden chalice below. He offered the dagger, hilt first, so Irisviel could do the same. When she had sworn her oath, Acht diluted the blood with wine and raised the chalice.

"Lord God, Protector and Redeemer of Souls, Keeper of Oaths, take this offering of blood and wine as a symbol of your children's sacrifice. May You, who see all and hear all, bless their union that it may be peaceful and abundant. Guide your children as they make their journey together. Keep them honest. Keep them true. So, that in everything they do, they might bring You honor and glory."

The chalice was offered first to Kiritsugu who drank from it surreptitiously, knowing well that the act was more symbolic than anything.

Marriages between mages are just as susceptible to infidelity - if not more - as any other marriage despite all the ceremony that came with it. There is no amount of knowledge or unlocked secrets that can make up for the stone cold loneliness that pervaded most unions. Most magi marry to preserve magic circuits and pure bloodlines. His union with an Einzbern should not have been an exception save for the fact that he had fallen hard for Irisviel. And this is made more painfully ironic because it was fated to end with the gravest betrayal of all.

This entire ceremony was the beginning of preparations for war - a farce, a sham. Technicality and nothing more. Every single moment of it was like a shot in the heart, and yet no matter how hard he tried, Kiritsugu could not deny the fact that somewhere deep inside him he was really, truly happy.

After Irisviel has drunk from the chalice, it was taken away along with the ceremonial dagger. Acht then raised his hands to give the final blessing.

"With this act of fidelity and devotion, the ceremony has been completed," he declared in a voice that sounded like thunder. "Now, you shall feel no rain, for in each other is your shelter. Now, you shall feel no cold, for in each other is your warmth. Now ends your loneliness, for in each other you shall find companionship. Now, you are one person, one life, one soul for all eternity. Emiya Kiritsugu, you may now give your wife the Kiss of Life."

Kiritsugu turned to face Irisviel and the whole world disappeared. There was light in her eyes he had never seen before. It filled his soul, healing him, making him whole again. He died when he lost Shirley, but Natalia brought him back, renewed, battle-hardened and ready to forswear all hope and love for himself. He did not realize how much he craved to live again, to feel his heart beat and his soul yearn for someone so precious, so dear. Irisviel was his entire life now and never has he felt the desire to protect anyone's happiness as fiercely as he did right this moment. But, he was never good with words and these sentiments, though intense, would soon lapse into nothing more than regret. So, without caring who watched, Kiritsugu took his wife's radiant face in his hands and kissed her with all the passion and love he promised her.

They had shared many kisses before, fumbling and breathless, in the privacy of closed doors. Each kiss increased in intensity as their wedding day drew close, but none could have prepared either of them for the power that came with a union so greatly and desperately desired. Their lips met with the heat of youth, but the longing of ages. Kiritsugu felt Irisviel's legs give and he caught her against him. They would have stayed merged like this longer if it weren't for the sound of Acht clearing his throat.

Flushed with excitement and a little bit of embarrassment, they finally came apart. Obviously displeased, Acht spoke the final words of the ceremony.

"Go now to your dwelling place to begin the days of your life together. May your days together be good and long upon the earth."

And with that, the fate of Emiya Kiritsugu and his wife Irisviel von Einzbern was sealed.


	2. Nobody Said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is what it was like for Kiritsugu to be an expectant father and a full-fledged father later on.

Perhaps for the third time in the last week, Kiritsugu had to make a mad dash to the nearest open supermarket at ten o'clock in the evening. The last time it was for pumpkin juice. Tonight, it was for brocolli and chocolate.

"Are pregnant women always this temperamental?" he asked the servant who put on his coat and handed him a scarf. The servant made no answer.

"Of course, you wouldn't know. Einzbern servants are not allowed to have families."

As soon as his winter garb was secure, he headed to the basement where they kept the cars. This feeling - the feeling of anxiety and stress over another's condition - was alien to him. Getting married to Iri had felt like the most natural thing in the universe. But fretting over her condition like this was something he was totally unprepared for.

Where he usually listened for the footsteps of spies and guards, he now listened for the slightest change in her breathing. Where he usually kept himself alert for possible attacks, he now tried to stay awake just in case she needed something. Where he usually rushed to dark corners, he now rushed to convenience stores - in the dead of the night - the nearest of which was about 6 miles away. In other words, he was slipping into the role of husband and father so easily, it scared him.

He drove like a man possessed, oblivious to street signs and other vehicles. But he reached the grocery only in time to see the the clerk pull down the titanium mesh over the glass windows. He didn't have much luck with the next one, or the one after that. In the end, he drove 10 miles only to find that his wife had gone back to sleep in the time it took for him to procure what she craved.

These are the days when he wished he didn't love her so much. But he did.

He crawled into bed as gently as he could, careful not to jostle Iri too much. He was just about to doze off when he felt her slender arm drape over his ribs. Moments later, her forehead rested on the back of his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, Kiritsugu," she whispered.

The remorse in her voice made his chest hurt. She had nothing to apologize for. This was a small price to pay for a sliver of happiness. He turned to face her.

"You shouldn't apologize for giving voice to your needs," he lectured soothingly, caressing her cheek.

"It's just that you look so fatigued all the time," she reasoned. "And then, I realize only I could have caused it since you spend all your time with me."

"I would have it no other way, Iri."

He kissed her on the forehead.

"Do you really mean that?"

She said this with such apparently bated breath, he was forced to search her eyes for assurance she did not think what he thought she was thinking. The eagerness for approval he saw there confirmed his fears. She had been making such marked progress.

"Yes," he answered, trying not to let the concern bleed into his voice. "How could you think otherwise?"

"I have not the slightest idea how this works among other couples. I was thinking perhaps other wives were less demanding. Perhaps I am being too inconsiderate... or selfish."

He released the breath he didn't realize he was holding.

"From what I've observed in films and real life, you are pretty much doing all that is expected of a pregnant woman," he assured her. When she continued to look at him dubiously, he ran down the check list.

"Let me see... Odd cravings - like brocolli and chocolate - check. Getting overly emotional - like crying over Auschwitz - check. All the time sickness, check. Mood swings, check. Constant sighing, check. Do you want me to keep going?"

"Normal pregnant women experienced all I'm experiencing? I am not in anyway deviant or anything?"

"Well, there is one thing you don't do that other pregnant women do all the time..." He trailed off, pretending to find her lacking.

"What?" came her worried reply.

"You don't waddle."

"Waddle?"

"You know... Like a duck. I've observed pregnant women did that when they walked."

"What do I do then?"

"My love," he placed a hand over her extended belly. "You glide."

He bestowed a kiss where his hand was and felt a gentle kick.

"Did you feel that?" Irisviel asked, the smile clearly heard in her voice.

"Yes, I did. She's turning out pretty strong, isn't she?"

"It seems she already recognizes her father... I cannot wait to hold her in my arms, my love. Only think! Two more months and we will have our precious baby. We cannot thank Grandfather enough for agreeing to help us."

He froze.

Jubstacheit Von Einzbern. The fourth - and unwanted - party to this pregnancy. He might be strengthening the baby and Iri and lessening the complications, but Kiritsugu didn't feel too comfortable with how involved the family head was. He was a cruel and ambitious man who cared more about the family's reputation than the family itself. Yet, seeing as his wife was undergoing a very normal conception, he could not bellyache too much. That, however, didn't mean he would be as thankful as Iri was.

To avoid answering, he pretended to yawn.

"Oh, yes. Forgive me, my love," she apologized, taking it as a sign of his fatigue. "I got carried away. Please, please go to sleep. I promise not to wake you anymore tonight."

Irisviel was as good as her word. He drifted off to the Land of Dreams in no time and did not wake until the sun was high in the sky the next morning.

* * *

The wait was grueling. Kiritsugu could hear every tick of his watch, every thump of his heartbeat.

Irisviel's water had broken hours ago and he had wanted to support her through the delivery, but Lady Brunhilde was adamant about letting no one else be present but her and the nursemaids. At first, he determinedly stationed himself outside the door. Her screams started and still he stayed - his head pressed against the cool oak, beseeching all the gods to spare his wife this pain. But the minutes turned to hours and still no cry was heard from the room. When her shrieks weakened, so did his resolve. He sought the detached, cold silence of the ceremonial chapel where he now fearfully sat.

He could lose both of them today. No matter the Einzberns' assurances, he could lose both of them.

His heart squeezed excruciatingly in his chest as he envisioned the death of his wife and his newborn child: Irisviel's vibrant, scarlet eyes staring back at him like a pair lifeless stained glass prosthetics... Their child's little body, pale and unmoving where it should be racked by shallow breathing. The image brought with it such powerful darkness, Kiritsugu wanted to annihilate the God who cursed him to live.

_But_   _you're_   _going_   _to_   _kill_   _her_   _anyway,_  said a cold, calculating voice he recognized was his own.

_You're_   _going_   _to_   _let_   _her_   _die_   _for_   _your_   _dream._   _What_   _was_   _it_   _you_   _said_   _two_   _months_   _ago?_   _A_   _small_   _price_   _to_   _pay_   _for_  a sliver of  _happiness?_   _Well,_   _she_   _is the_   _price_   _you_   _are_   _willing_   _to_   _pay._

He looked down on his hands and saw them stained red with Iri's blood. The blood of the innocent. The blood of the wife he loved. Her blood... His blood.

He doubled over in agony, feeling shards of broken glass pierce his body. They twisted inside his veins and fractured into smaller pieces so every part of him stung. He did not deserve that child. He did not deserve his wife. This pain was all that should be given to monsters like him.

How easy it all would have been if he had been able to remain distant. But his Iri... His Irisviel... She had been aptly named.

Bringer of joy. Giver of life.

She had broken through all his defenses as a bulldozer would a weak building. Then, she rebuilt him. Gave him life. Now, she suffered to give him hope. And what had he to offer her in exchange? Love? His love could not save her.

All he had to give was his promise of a better world.

_And who are you fooling with that?_   _She's_   _never_   _even_   _seen_   _it._

He stooped his head and let the gray expanse of despair take over. How long he remained lost like this, he did not know. But by the time one of the nursemaids came to announce his daughter had been born, he had resolved never to love something he didn't deserve ever again.

* * *

**Three months later**

Irisviel sat up from the bed groggily, feeling the exhaustion gnawing at her body, but refusing to be defeated by it. She had insisted on getting up every single time Illya cried despite her husband's suggestions of keeping a schedule and now she's finding herself wishing that her constitution wasn't so weak. She loved taking care of her daughter. She loved holding her, feeding her, singing her to sleep... which was why it was getting increasingly frustrating that her body was not quite able to keep up.

"Iri..." Kiritsugu groaned into his pillow while simultaneously draping an arm across her lap.

"Yes, my love, I know," she replied, giving him a peck on the cheek. "I'll get her."

She moved to slide away from his embrace and Kiritsugu was immediately awake.

"No, Iri, that wasn't what I meant," he said sheepishly. "What I wanted to say was... You should go back to bed. I got this."

"You'll take Illya?" Iri asked with no effort to hide her doubt.

"Yes," he replied, rising to take a shirt from the dresser.

"You're sure?"

"Absolutely."

She took a few moments to think it over. It wasn't that she didn't trust Kiritsugu with Ilya. He was her husband and the child's father. There was no one in the world she would entrust her daughter to but him. It was just that... wasn't it the mother's job to see to the kids? Would it be neglectful of her to thrust this duty on Kiritsugu?

"Parenting is a joint effort, Iri," her husband said, chuckling at the question written all over her face. "You're not being a bad mother just because you're letting me take over the duties sometimes."

Yawning and going back under the covers again, Irisviel replied. "But, then... You'll be tired as well."

"I've had later nights, my love. I'll be fine."

The last thing she remembered before drifting off was Kiritsugu's lips brushing her forehead and the sound of sock feet exiting the room. About half an hour later, Irisviel rolled over to wrap her arms around her husband in gratitude and found the space beside her cold and empty. Kiritsugu wasn't back yet.

_He must have fallen asleep while seeing to Illya._

Softly, she rose from the bed and tiptoed across the room towards the adjoining nursery. She stopped just before reaching the threshold, listening to the quiet noises coming through the door.

"You're a bit of handful aren't you?" she heard her husband croon softly. "Is this what mommy has to do to get you to sleep?"

As if in answer, the baby gurgled.

"No wonder she's tired, then. Aren't you tired too? No? Yes? Yeeeesss... There's the yawn we're looking for. Alright, come here, you little monster. Daddy's got you."

Irisviel watched in wonder as her normally stoic husband repositioned their baby more comfortably against his shoulder and started humming a German lullaby. Kiritsugu was not a particularly affectionate man - although recently he'd been revealing more and more of his sweet and passionate side - so seeing him melt all over the minute baby put Iri at awe. He was unimaginably gentle.

"We have to teach you Japanese soon," he remarked, still humming, as he turned to face the window. "Can't have you forgetting the other half of your culture..."

To Irisviel's surprise, he changed the tune to a haunting Japanese lullaby and sang.

"Nennen korori yo, Okorori yo.  
Bōya wa yoi ko da, Nenne shina

Bōya no omori wa, Doko e itta?  
Ano yama koete, Sato e itta.

Sato no miyage ni, Nani morotta?  
Denden taiko ni, Shō no fue."

She'd never heard him sing before. It was definitely a lovely sound - one which told her the depth of the love he had for his daughter. She thought he insisted on setting up a schedule only because he didn't want her tired all the time. She didn't realize how much he wanted to do this too. Smiling at this newfound discovery about her husband, she turned away from them and crawled into bed once more. A few minutes later, she felt his arm around her waist as he gathered her to him.

"I think I should let you get up more often," she said, chuckling at the way he froze upon knowing she was awake the entire time.

"You saw us?"

"Mm-hmm... I heard you, too. What was that lullaby you were singing to her?"

"Edo komoriuta. My mother used to sing it to me when I was little."

He didn't notice it, but he had instinctively tightened his arm around her, the way he always seemed to whenever they broached the subject of his past. This signaled Irisviel that she had to tread carefully, gently as to not wake the monsters that hound him. She turned in his embrace so she was looking right into his gray eyes. Smoothing her hand over his forearm, she asked.

"Do you remember her well?"

Irisviel could tell by the way his arms had tensed up that he was deliberating on whether or not to dismiss her question. After a few moments, he rolled on his back, taking her with him so she knew he was going to at least try to talk about it. However, their current position placed her head on his chest, making it more difficult to see his face.

"I don't remember much of her," he began in a constrained voice, absent-mindedly drawing patterns on her arm. "She died when I was young. But, I remember she sang to me every night."

"How long did you have with her?" Irisviel asked.

"Give or take five years. We were still living in Fuyuki, then, so that must have been before my father started running from the Association."

"How did you lose her?"

Irisviel lifted her head to look at his sharp, handsome features. His eyes had darkened at the mention of death, his mouth now shaped in a taut line. There was very little in her husband's life that was easy to talk about. The first few weeks of their love affair was fraught with potholes and crevices he wanted to avoid. These lessened considerably in the following months, but they never really disappeared. Irisviel doubted that they ever would. She smoothed a hand over his cheek to make him look at her and assure him.

"You don't have to answer me, my love, if it's too painful. I understand."

He smiled at her sadly, then kissed her gently on the lips.

"She would have loved you..." he whispered. "My father never explained the details in full to me, but I know they met an accident while driving on the way home. It was on the news. When I became old enough, I returned to Fuyuki to investigate the accident on my own. The night my mother died could have been the night the Church and the Association had started hounding my father. The rain at the time was nowhere hard enough to make the roads slippery and my mother had always been a careful driver. The only explanation I could think of for their car to go skidding like that is if my mother had been driving more than 100 km/hr. They might have been running from someone."

"Why wouldn't your father tell you the truth?"

"I wouldn't know for sure," Kiritsugu answered with knitted brows. "All I know is that whenever I asked him, he'd tell me it wouldn't do to live in the past. My mother was gone and I should just learn to accept it. Even if he never did. I'd like to think it was because he felt responsible for what happened, but mostly I think..."

He trailed off.

"You think what?"

"Mostly, I think it's because talking about her was too painful. He couldn't even so much as say her name. He buried himself in his work, trying to forget everything, running from his nightmares while simultaneously blaming them for it. He told himself there was nothing more important than his magecraft, than being able to get to the Root of the Universe. In the end, that was all that was left of him. He died not having anything to show for it."

He said all this so contemptuously, Irisviel fell silent. She knew Kiritsugu hated his father. She knew his father cared very little for him as he grew up, choosing instead to focus on magic instead of raising his son. She knew his father was responsible for the death of an entire village - including a girl named Shirley, whom she believed to be her husband's first love. What she didn't know was that the fate of both men when it came to family was quite the same.

"Are you afraid you'll become him?" she asked softly, lowering her eyes to his chest.

He didn't answer immediately, making Irisviel worry that she might have pushed too far. It happened sometimes - not often - that some of their more personal conversations ended with an icy response from her husband. He had always been quick to make amends, but she still didn't like the feeling of being shut out or putting him in a position where he felt he had to put up his defenses. She was about to apologize for asking when he put two fingers under her chin to force her gaze on him.

"NO."

She blinked at him, surprised at the calmness and firmness in his voice and openness in his eyes. He had never spoken of the future with so much optimistic clarity before. When she continued to stare at him, he smiled slightly and began explaining.

"My father died not living for anyone but himself. He spent so much time in his workshop he forgot that the world continued to exist without need of him or his work. I harbor no such illusions. I know that in this world, there are others like me who have devoted their lives to ending all injustice. I am a piece in a larger game. It only so happened that I was provided more efficient means to fulfill my end... And the world needs peace... Always..."

"And living for other people?" she raised her eyebrows at him.

"I live for the rest of mankind," he answered simply.

"No, you carry the burden for the rest of mankind," she pointed out. "That's not the same as living."

He laughed and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

"I really am no match for your wisdom, am I? Alright, you got me."

He gathered her tighter against him and smiled at her, honesty and love pouring from his eyes.

"I live for you, Irisviel von Einzbern. For you and our daughter, Illya and no one else."

"That's good to hear. So, you'll see to her again tomorrow?"

"My love, I'd have it no other way."

* * *

**Alchemical Chamber**  
**One year later**

"He appears very taken with the child."

"In spite of himself, I think."

"You are certain about telling her, then, Lord Father Acht? There is no questioning where Irisviel's loyalty lies. Emiya Kiritsugu can be a dangerous man when challenged."

"And what is a Fifth Generation mage against a family like ours? Besides, neither of them can take Illyasviel to Fuyuki City. The child will remain under our care. That should be precaution enough."

"As you wish. Only - "

"Only what, Brunhilde? Speak, do not leave it there."

"Nothing, Lord Father. There is nothing I wish to say."

"You clearly have an opinion to express. SPEAK!"

"I only meant to say that it would be such a shame to tear this family apart... When they have so much potential."

"A potential that will be used to bring OUR family glory."

"It is clear how much he loves them. How are we assured he will not betray us when the time comes to decide?"

"Worry not, Brunhilde. In the end, a man as committed to his ideals as Emiya Kiritsugu will not hesitate to make sacrifices... Even if those sacrifices mean destroying the people he loves."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Japanese lullaby is Edo Komoriuta. It's on Youtube. Choose which version suits your taste, but I'm thinking more like this one: www.youtube.com/watch?v=8DrsS70Punc
> 
> The German lullaby is not really a lullaby, more like a love song. I love it and I love Sumi Jo. Please look her up. She's just amazing. Anyway, the link to the song is this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcVYu8sso7k


	3. The Old Man's Challenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Illya was born out of love. This shouldn't have been her fate, but now Irisviel and Kiritsugu have to face Acht's cruelties and come to terms with the possible consequences if they fail.

The gates of Einzbern Castle opened with not so much as a creak. Inside Old Man Acht's forcefield, the world seemed to have fallen silent. There was no blizzard, no wind, just a light case of snowfall. Kiritsugu suppressed a shiver.

It was eerie when the world was quiet like this. Experience taught him that such unbridled peace was mere prelude to tragedy. It cannot be trusted. Yet - perhaps it was his aching limbs or his newly-found terrifying eagerness for his family or a mixture of both - he found himself revelling in it. He was forced to return briefly to his old activities by Acht's orders and found nothing in his old life to miss.

Irisviel was enough. She was more than enough.

An attendant greeted him at the door but he ignored him. He hurried to the East Wing instead, trying hard not to betray his longing while failing miserably to make his feet go slower. His watch said 1pm. Ilya would just have finished feeding by now. Iri would be in the nursery alone.

This thought made him walk faster.

His expectations were dashed, however, when he found one of his wife's maidservants in the nursery instead. Iri very rarely left Ilya to the care of others except him.

"Master Emiya," greeted the servant, bowing slightly as he made his way to his daughter's crib. "We expected you -"

"To return next week," he replied blandly. "My trip was cut short. Where's your mistress?"

"With His Excellency,"

He stopped stroking Ilya's cheek and looked up. Acht never showed himself to either of them if he could help it. And when he did, they always saw him together. He only asked Irisviel to come alone if he was administering magical treatment for her pregnancy. Since these sessions came less often the closer Iri got to delivering, he assumed these sessions were over now that Ilya was born.

"How often has she been summoned to Acht while I was away?"

"This is the second time, Sir."

"Was she in anyway different when I left?"

The servant stared at him not comprehending the question. So, he made himself clear.

"Did she look like she was sick? Did she ever complain of being in pain? Did she seem weaker?"

"A little, Sir. But that was two weeks ago. She'd been back to normal since then."

Kiritsugu breathed deeply and made his way to the door. He was going to send this idiotic maidservant away so he could be with his daughter alone. Now, all he wanted to do was talk to his wife. She'd been harboring secrets from him with Acht. Why?

Iri... Beautiful, wonderful Iri. She's changed so much since he met her. She had life, a newfound purpose. She was almost unrecognizable... Except in moments like this. He could never understand how she could still trust Acht this way. The man practically left her to die in order to prove his prowess.

 _But she is also an_   _Einzbern_ , he reminded himself.  _The family does have its peculiarities_.

When he finally reached the laboratory, he noticed something quite out of place: The entire wing was quiet. Not the same peaceful quiet that greeted him earlier, but the kind of quiet that made his stomach churn. He could hear muted murmurs from the other side of the wall.

"...might not win," said Acht's voice matter-of-factly.

"But I thought you had faith in him," replied Irisviel sounding a bit confused but not the least bit surprised.

"I have faith in his abilities. However, time and alchemy has taught me not to fall into complacency. Kiritsugu might be a brilliant player but I cannot leave it at that. The other Masters might be just as brilliant. I want to make sure."

"I understand your desire to win the Grail. For the family. But... How is this relevant to me and Ilya?"

Acht didn't answer immediately. He bided his time, moving across the room. He must have reached the window at the far end because he sounded distant when he spoke.

"Ilya is how I make sure."

For a span of a few moments, Kiritsugu's vision unfocused. Waves of shock and horror ripped through his heart like the jagged edge of a hunting knife. So, Ilya...  _their_  Ilya...

"...is a vessel?" Irisviel whispered, giving voice to his thoughts. It could barely be heard, but he heard it nonetheless. His wife's fearful, despairing utterance could not have expressed his anguish better than the most bloodcurdling scream. Irisviel plunged herself into diatribes of his cruelty, his heartlessness, his unworthiness to be the head of this family. Somewhere in her frantic, desperate accusations she must have begun attacking him. Kiritsugu heard glasses shatter, and hands being restrained only to lash out again. Yet, Acht said nothing.

He should move. He should get her out of there before she gets hurt, but his limbs weighed like lead columns.

"She was not yours to touch. SHE WAS NOT YOURS! How could you?! She was not coined like either of us. She was birthed, born out of love. Ilya... little Ilya... She was ours... How could you..."

Irisviel's impassioned outburst dissolved into tears, waking Kiritsugu from his paralysis. Iri should not have to face this alone. This was a mutilation to him as it was to her. And mutilators must pay. He assumed his cold façade and entered the room. Both occupants looked towards his direction.

Without taking his eyes off Acht, he reached his hand towards Irisviel, asking her to come away. She made his way to him, tears still streaming down her face.

Neither men spoke. They didn't have to. Acht understood. He understood and was undaunted.

"If you want to save her, you'll have to win."

Kiritsugu folded Irisviel into him and walked away.

"Don't worry. I plan to."

* * *

They returned to the East Wing in silence - Irisviel clutching tightly to Kiritsugu's jacket, Kiritsugu holding her tightly against him.

This was not what they wanted for Ilya. She was meant to have a life of her own, to have a choice on how she wanted to live. She was meant to be free. Now, it seems Acht would deprive her of that as well... As an insurance in case they fail.

This was a brutal, heartless mutilation and it made him sick to the core.

They found Ilya awake and restless in the arms of the maidservant when they entered the nursery. Irisviel took her giggling form from the maidservant and went to stare out the window.

"Leave us," he ordered the maid quietly.

Framed by the white light of the first snow day, Irisviel looked like a goddess carrying her beautiful child. In a different day, he would have gazed adoringly at her, happy to watch her until the world ends. But today the goddess was sad and her husband despaired with her.

"Iri," he began.

"How much did you hear?" She asked with her back still to him. He came closer and held her by the shoulders, leaning in to press his lips to her hair, closing his eyes to shut the world out.

"Enough."

"We can't change her back," she whispered. "There is no way to change her back."

Irisviel clutched Ilya tighter against her - as if shielding their daughter with her arms could undo the damage that was done. But those arms can do nothing now. The same way any wishful thinking or regret can do nothing to to turn back time. All that is left - always and immutable - is justice.

"Acht will pay for this," he answered grimly, feeling his mind slide a little into its darker place. Irisviel must have felt this too, but where she usually intervenes to bring him back, she now remains silent. This particular lack of effort on her part made him backtrack. If she was allowing him to indulge in this severely cruel mindset, he wasn't going to take her with him.

Sensing that his permission has reached its limit, she turned to him and smoothed her knuckles over his cheek.

"I want that too, believe me," she sighs as he relents enough to kiss her hand. "When I think of what he has taken and what he still can do... but that doesn't matter because he won't have to. We will win this war and you will take Ilya away from here."

"Acht must still be brought to justice. Men like him should not be allowed to continue to do as they please," Kiritsugu insisted stubbornly.

"I agree, men like him should be put down. I would urge you to pursue this, if only I'm not so convinced you are doing it for another reason," she waited for him to deny her. When he didn't, she went on speaking with wisdom that will never cease to amaze him even after the Grail War.

"My love, you speak of justice as if it can be dealt as simply as lighting your cigarette, but you forget how easy it is to mistake justice for vengeance," she paused again. "It's not always so simple to separate yourself from any situation... especially if the situation involves hurting those you love."

He looked away from her, trying to hide from those red eyes that burned through every single one of his caprices. It was frightening how much of him she understood, yet at every turn, she met him with only love and unwavering patience. So, like a child, he always ended up letting her lead him into light once more - like she was doing now.

"You taught me to fight for myself, to be angry at those who wish to hurt me because I am worth something. How did I answer you?"

He smiled slightly at the memory.

"You said we only fight for those we love."

"Do you still believe that?" she asked. The answer was yes, but she was going to make him say it for his own sake.

"Yes."

"Then, fight for Ilya. Fight by taking her away from here and never looking back. You have a chance at having the life we could never have together. If you go after Acht, you'll be throwing it away."

She brought his eyes to hers with a gentle push on his left cheek. She smiled when he finally met her gaze.

"We will succeed in this, Kiritsugu. And then, we can have the world we've always dreamed of."

A sharp pang of pain stabbed at his heart. Here he was wallowing in his darkness when she was already making plans for the future she will not see. She spoke of their dream as if it did not require her sacrifice, as if it did not mean her death. And in that moment, he knew that he would never be able to refuse her anything ever again for as long as she lived.

_Which won't be long now. You have eight years and this will all be over. Eight years, Kiritsugu. Can you live beyond those eight years?_

He took a deep breath, pushing away the shadow voices that lingered in his head.

"Alright."

She frowned a little bit and tilted her head to the side.

"You sound like a child being forced into the dentist's chair, but, I guess it doesn't matter. You have agreed with me."

She walked away from him and put Ilya down among the numerous stuffed animals he brought back whenever he went out. The little girl immediately went for the baby dragon he bought from China and held it up to him. Taking the soft plush creature from her little hands, he pretended not to know what it is. She gave him a few moments to figure out what the toy was then, apparently deciding that he won't, started to go pick up a different one. He grabs her from behind and ruthlessly attacks her with it, roaring and whooshing as they tumbled onto the carpet.

"Still hasn't tired of Emperor, I see," he commented over Ilya's loud, delighted squeals. She was climbing over his lap, messing up his hair, hands outstretched, feet slipping all over his crossed legs.

"I might have something to do with that," Irisviel replied from the other side of the room. Coming closer, she continued, "I doused it with a bit of your aftershave when you left. She wouldn't stop crying at night until I gave her something that smelled like you. She missed you."

"Is she the only one that missed me?" He teased playfully.

"Well..." she replied candidly, punctuating it with the smile that never failed that made his heart beat just a little bit faster. He kissed her briefly and gently on the lips.

"I missed you too."

They looked at each other quietly for a few more moments. This was new to them. Neither of them has ever longed for another the way they do now and Kiritsugu, used to loss and grief as he was, found himself loving the change. He didn't like being away from Irisviel, he discovered. But he loved how he can miss her and want her so badly.

"What is it?" she asked.

Ilya picked this particular moment to launch herself into her mother's arms and started attacking with her dragon the way Kiritsugu did just moments before. It didn't quite have the precision, but Iri, always ready to drop everything for her daughter, pretended to get defeated on the floor, fending herself from Ilya's poorly aimed attacks and groaning like they actually hurt. Ilya squealed and giggled with delight as her parents took turns chasing her across the room.

They spent the better part of the afternoon playing with their daughter and catching up on two-weeks worth of news. The incident with Acht was never mentioned again (in fact, it was as though it never happened). It put Kiritsugu in such a positive frame of mind that when he was summoned by the Old Man for an update on the Cornwall Excavation, he was able to face him with relative calmness and ease.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for you patronage. Don't forget to leave a comment to let me know what you think!


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